The online diary of a gay courtesan.

Dear John…

Dear Devon,

By the time you read this I will be gone. We’ve been together so long, that it hurts me to leave you. I want you to know that I’ll always be there waiting. Even if it’s only in your memories. You don’t need me anymore, so I have to say goodbye.

You turned 33 yesterday (excuse me, 24 for the ninth time). It was an amazingly beautiful day in Charlotte, NC. The sun was bright, but not scalding. The sky was such a dark blue. That delicious breeze was warm and soft. Just perfect. The Goddess couldn’t have sent better weather to celebreate the most important day of your year. And what a great start you had: The mechanics fixed the car for free, you spent time with some good friends, and then you ate some nice food. I enjoyed sitting there watching you, my hand on your shoulder. I have enjoyed touching you so deeply. I was sure that we’d be together forever. But yesterday something changed.

Last night your solo video for Sean Cody was debuted. On your birthday no less! How the fates do it… I just don’t know. But that video clip, and the stills from it, have ruined any chance we have of being together. What is even more shocking to me is how easily you let me just slip away. As if I’d never been a part of your life. That hurt. To be dismissed so suddenly. So absolutely. So definitively. And for what? Porn!

You were so overjoyed with the images. I admit: There’s not much fault I can find in them (and you know I can find fault in just about anything: I like to think it makes me practical, and I’m sorry you’ve never seemed to agree). And that’s when I realized that everything I was saying to you was bypassing your hearing and thinking. I was completely erased for about 30 minutes. It was as if I were speaking Farsi to a total stranger. You didn’t even give me a glance.

That is unacceptable.

I cannot tolerate being looked over every time you find success. You have always listened to me, and I have always been there, whenever you were downcast or alone. Whenever you felt like you couldn’t go on anymore, who was it that was standing there? Me. It was me. I deserve better. Each time you are happy you immeditaely put me aside. I am so sick of it.

So now you will have to continue on without me. It has been a long road. But I am not willing to sit idly by while you zoom down the highway of your life. There are others out there who will be glad to give me a ride. They will embrace me. They will never let go of me. These are the potential hosts who will let me into their homes, hearts, and minds. They will make me feel welcome. They will look at you as if you were a fool to let me go. But I am leaving for now. Whenever you feel lonely, just rememeber that I will always be happy to come back to you.

Love,

Doubt

10 comments

1 Tony (Lytefyre) { 07.01.09 at 10:19 am }

Wow… That was definitely deep and very interesting! I enjoyed the imagery the letter brought, and to think it was the manifestation of an emotion that’s had such sway in your life for so long, added a whole new dimension to the post!

Congrats on the parting! May he stay a old friend, at an arm’s length awawy (at least!) Hehe : )

2 Curt { 07.02.09 at 8:02 am }

The loss of ANY quality relationship/friendship is never something to take lightly because they aren’t easily replaced. Hopefully, the damage done can be repaired if you value the person as much as it sounds like he values you. It’s unfortunate that this milestone in your professional life is being overshadowed by sadness in your personal life. Good luck in reaching an outcome that you will be at peace with.

3 devon { 07.02.09 at 10:17 am }

curt, did you see who signed this “dear john” letter? ;)

4 Curt { 07.02.09 at 11:19 am }

I thought u changed the name to not reveal the person’s identity…no???

5 devon { 07.02.09 at 1:11 pm }

no, i don’t change names to protect the innocent (because i don’t believe anyone is innocent, especially not someone as insidious as doubt).

6 Steve { 07.02.09 at 2:48 pm }

Those pictures were shocking, SHOCKING I say!! And they were even MORE shocking once I got them all copied, cataloged, blown up, enlarged, saved and backed up in a zoom-able file!!

LOL!!!!!!!! Steve

ps……I knew it was Doubt the whole time I was reading that letter. His letters to me sound exactly the same.

7 Keith Bailey { 07.03.09 at 11:19 am }

Just like doubt, always trying to make you feel guilty…I know for a fact he’s a slut. He will hang around with anyone who lets him, you’re far better off without him I say. :)

8 Art V { 07.03.09 at 7:39 pm }

Doubt is an enemy I’m glad to be rid of. It made me life as a dancer and teacher harder than it ever needed to be.

9 OnlyMe { 07.14.09 at 5:02 pm }

Well done.

10 IIuros { 05.08.10 at 6:38 pm }

What was amazing about this is even though the writer was the incarnation of Doubt, it reminded me very strongly of some of the things my ex said at the end.

I guess not all of our demons are internal.

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